The other night while lying in bed The Husband and I were talking band business and I told him I was his biggest fan. He rebutted that statement, there is another guy that fills that spot. I said that I was, indeed, not the bands biggest fan (though I may be a runner up) but I was his biggest fan. I am sure like most spouses (band or not) you are going to be their biggest supporter, you should be their biggest supporter. This is one of the most important parts of a marriage to keep it strong. Yet, with a stifling divorce rate and an even higher one for couples in the entertainment business, you start to ask how one keeps a union rich when most of the time you feel like two ships passing in the night. I am no expert, but after fifteen years together I can tell you how we have made it work so far.
Of course, that is support. Supporting your spouse goes a little further than just a pat on the back, it’s a start but it might not be enough glue to keep it together. There was a point in our lives when I wasn’t his number one fan, a few bands ago. It started when I was pregnant with our first and they had pretty good traction throughout our children’s toddler years. I wasn’t necessarily unsupportive, I didn’t discourage it, but I honestly could care less about the band. I had a hard-enough time caring about how he was doing in the band. Harsh, I know, but we were raising two toddlers, I was worn out, and had no time for myself, let alone my husband’s hobby. I look back and remember that weak pat on the back, and the fake smile while mumbling “That’s cool, Babe”. I don’t know if it started with me distancing myself from him or he from me, but somewhere along the lines we started to neglect each other.
My husband is not conceded nor egotistical enough to be bothered by the fact that I couldn’t give him the support he deserved, but I can look back and know now that it wore on our relationship. Some of his greatest achievements were being unnoticed by the most important person in his life. We went through some very hard years during and after that, faced with unemployment, financial struggles, and family tragedy, it was all a breeding ground for resentment. It wasn’t all because we stopped supporting each other but we almost weren’t strong enough to get through those hardest of times together because we had years of neglect that had weakened our bond. Then the point hit where we needed to make changes or loose each other for good.
That is when I learned that being a musician is not just a hobby, it is their life, it is a deep passion that comes from within. It is the reason they can be so damn appealing, and is the reason they can be so damn difficult. It took me a long time to realize this. To realize that music is not something they can leave on the road, or in the band room. It is something they want to share with you, and as a spouse why would you not want to be proud of everything they are doing? And, of course, it goes both ways, if it weren’t for The Husband I wouldn’t be writing out loud, we both push each other and celebrate together. After years of repair we have found ourselves at our best, which has put our marriage at its best. That is how we found each other again, once I started celebrating The Husband, and he did me, we became better people which made us see what we saw all those years back when we first fell in love. The best part of a marriage is that you don’t have to go alone, you have a lifelong fan, someone to relish with and someone to pick you up when you feel a little less than. I no longer worry when he is away, find myself questioning our future, or feel lonely and unsure. We now find time to talk every day and we genuinely get excited for each other’s accomplishments. I am the first to share his glories and Facebook posts, he is the first to read my blogs (and promise to give his honest opinion every week). I am sure this can be relatable for all relationships but my experience as a band wife supporting each other has brought us closer and taken us farther than we could have ever done alone.